He couldn't resist the temptation to cheat five times in three months. Hardly an affair. She'd asked him how he was. He succumbed. That's all it took for this God-fearing man.
They'd watched my TEDx talk on the No Sex Marriage: Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame. She wanted me to be an expert witness in his divorce trial.
He admitted to the indiscretion. Regardless, the division of assets lay in the hands of twelve southern jurors, not one with a high school diploma.
The deposition read like War and Peace, sans peace. 1000 pages, the cheating paled by comparison to the lesbian liaisons, limousine lovers, parental alienation, drinking, hateful women and murder.
Cheating is the ultimate betrayal but so is imposing fidelity in a sexless marriage.
In late winter, I flew to Georgia.
We met for dinner, the lawyer, her client and me. His lawyer wasn't sure if the best strategy was to bring attention to his indiscretion. The jury was impatient. This trial had been going on for weeks.
His ex-wife subpoenaed sixty friends. Besides, the lawyer felt the jury empathized with him.
A recess for Christmas. The trial played out into the New Year.
The assets were divided unfairly……in his estimation. His legal bill was $300,000.
Betrayal all around. He believed she never loved him. He didn't want the marriage to end.
The real sadness is that this couple never had the right help. Sexless marriage is a thing. There is help.
Maureen McGrath hosts the Sunday Night Health Show on CKNW, CHQR, CHED and CJOB. She is a registered nurse , executive director of the Women’s Health Initiative Network, and in clinical practice in North Vancouver. She also does telehealth consults for people and couples all around the world. A TEDx speaker, she is author of Sex & Health: Why One Can’t Come Without the Other. Her radio show is a free download on iTunes. Sextalk
Her website is: Back To The Bedroom
To book an appointment email Maureen at: [email protected]
]]>Married men may experience frustration at repeated rejection because they initiate sex more often than women do but women may be even more devastated at male rejection believing there is something unattractive or undesirable about them to their partner. Men just think women hate sex. But that's another blog post.
Once couples marry, it seems that sex priorities change dramatically. Couples settle in like they would an old comfy couch. Appearances of a perfect union to the neighbours, friends and/or relatives may be more important than a bond in the bedroom.
With kids comes fatigue, smaller space, stress or a move to the suburbs and the need for a new vehicle. You will never have sex in a minivan so don't even think about it. Time, desire, finances, conflict resolution strategies, in-laws and jobs replace the passion of yesteryear (as long as you didn't marry your best friend or answer the call of your ticking biological clock which means sex was doomed from the start).
So if your wife seemingly hates sex unless she wants something (shoes, a new car or a baby) or if your husband is covertly arranging threesomes with women he's never met (a sure sign of the sexually deprived husband), or if your husband prefers sleep to seduction, your wife is too tired for sex but not shopping, you may be a victim of married sex. And here are the signals:
1. If you do this……I will have sex with you sex….This is sex that is typically associated with an unfinished home project, a hedge trim, the promise of a household chore or simply putting down the toilet seat. (women's standards are pretty low)
2. Shower Sex: The water is hot and the sex isn't. It's awkward, done only to save time.
3. Hurry up sex: The kids are awake, home, listening, going to walk in etc sex. Inevitably she hears someone at the door whether they are there or not. She will check and ruin the moment.
4. Did you did you did you.....? sex. This is transformational sex which goes from in the early days of dating, was that good for you baby? To did you, did you, did you......finish? What's wrong with you? We've been at this for a minute and a half. The hard truth is a soft reality.
5. Morning sex: I am in mourning over the loss of my sex life.
6. Sex anytime anywhere sex: You: Honey, I'm breastfeeding, have a fever, abdominal pain, diarrhea, a runny nose and am bleeding from every orifice. Him: Can we have sex?
7. Tech Sex: No this isn't about vibrators, but about watching tv or checking your iPhone during sex.
8. I want another baby sex. Yes! Yes! Yes! The sex life is reignited. Because most men’s brains are below the belt they are more than happy to oblige because pregnancy is the last thing they think will result from unprotected sex when a woman is ovulating. Our brains are hard-wired for instant gratification. So is his.
9. Why can’t we just cuddle sex? This needs no further description.
10. I wanted to but you were sleeping sex: You didn’t come upstairs fast enough and I fell asleep. Or I just had so much to do downstairs and by the time I came up (the next day), you were asleep.
11. Lights out sex- especially after children, with weight gain, peri-menopause, menopause
12. I just bought 6 pairs of Jimmy Choos sex. Cowboy, take me away!
Both men and women in same sex marriages or heterosexual unions who are deprived of sex from their spouse, experience sadness, loneliness and are at increased risk of hypertension and early death.
The signals above are foreplay to a marital fiasco. Sex in marriage does ebb and flow because marriage is under the constant influence of sex, money and in-laws. Technology too may extinguish the spark. Blue light emission interrupts your sleep and you are more likely to fight the next day. Libido plummets due to resultant tech fatigue. This may be an addiction and every bit as lethal as an addiction to alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, food or shopping.
Communication is key. Keep having the talk. The. Sex. Talk. And it's actually women who report more boredom in the bedroom. Talking about sex is arousing. Why do you think sexting is so popular? Keep in mind, a lack of sex in a marriage is the number one reason for divorce.
So if you're having more quickies than coital extravaganzas, more rejection than reconnection, she prefers long johns to lingerie or if long john is rather lonely, it may be time to massage the marriage and get Back To The Bedroom. Making sex a priority in your marriage is good for intimacy, health and your relationship. Yes, take a page out of Nike's book and "Just Do it!" But just do it well.
Maureen McGrath is a sexpert, women's health expert and hosts the CKNW Sunday Night Sex Show . Maureen's TEDx Talk on No Sex Marriage: Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame has had close to 6 million views in one year. Sexless marriage is a thing. Maureen is the creator of the blog 50ShadesofPink.ca and has a clinical practice in North Vancouver, British Columbia where she helps many couples in sexless marriages. Maureen is also available for SKYPE consults. Contact her at her website: Back To The Bedroom For more information about Mona Lisa Touch a new novel hormone-free therapy for vaginal dryness, painful sex, low sexual desire and urinary incontinence visit Mona Lisa Touch.
Are you headed to a Sexless Marriage? Take the Quiz Sexless Marriage Quiz
]]>A consummate interviewer, Stu got right down to it inquiring about the sexual frequency of the millennials versus the menopausal. This was where I got to dispel some myths. Everyone thinks the millennials are having great sex. This flies in the face of conventional wisdom. The research doesn't support this and most millennials have less sex than baby boomers. That's in part because we associate sex with youth. Not true.
We live in such a sexualized society yet we remain prudish on the prose around sex. Because the subject of sex remains taboo, many people struggle with talking about it. Couples who may have been together for years suddenly go silent when struggles emerge between the sheets. From vaginal dryness to unresolved conflict, erectile dysfunction to anorgasmia, low sexual desire to division of household chores, fatigue, finances and infidelity, the problems with sex are endless and can wreak havoc on relationships.
When technology is the preferred bedfellow to a spouse, the same brain chemicals are released and provide pleasure equivalent to a good romp in the hay. There are other dangers too. You can be whomever you wish....on line. And you can cheat with someone you've never met.....on-line. And in this era of technology, it's never been easier to cheat.....or get caught. And....and...and....
Couples over the age of 50 can have their best sex ever as many women's sexuality awakens at this time of life. Many people especially women overcome their body image insecurities, free themselves from religious sex shrouds and have enough sexual experience (or not) to know what they want.
Although much of the advice around a good sex life centres on leading a healthy life through lifestyle, diet and exercise to increase blood flow, important for sexual function, there's clearly a need to add variety to spice things up especially in the long term relationship. Vulnerability and the willingness to explore is integral to a great sex life. Dirty talk has never been more important.
Since my interview with Stu aired, I've had countless emails from people recounting their sexual struggles. For the most part, it has been men reporting a frustration about things going down in the bedroom. Well everything except for them. Pun intended. Their wives no longer want to have sex with them!
The inclination is to blame their spouse but I am quick to point out that there may be one of many reasons their wives do not desire sex with them. Irritability, anger, depression, excessive alcohol consumption, substance use/abuse, workaholism, pornography, children, infidelity, weight gain and/or erectile dysfunction are just some of the many turn offs for women. One must take a look at themselves first. Blame is shame.
Men get turned off too and when a man doesn't desire sex with his wife, she may feel unloved, undesirable and lonely. The karyon of this may be his low testosterone level, depression, cannibis or erectile dysfunction. That said, he may no longer be attracted to his wife if she has gained weight. Or he may be getting sex elsewhere. It may sound shallow but this is no time to get offended. It's time to do something to help yourself and your marriage.
The fifty something crowd contacted me to say their sex life came to a screeching halt because of painful sex due to vaginal dryness. Many women opposed to taking any form of medication are unaware that not only are there hormone-free personal moisturizers, but a new laser therapy called Mona Lisa Touch is also available.
At the end of the interview Stu asked for my best advice. That is such a difficult question to answer because there exists an exorbitant amount of problems with sex, and just as many answers.
But I know this is true. When you confront a problem, you begin to treat it. Sex is important throughout life and there are significant risks such as infidelity, chronic masturbation and/or pornography when sex flies out the bedroom window whether you are in a same sex marriage or a heterosexual union.
Listen to your partner's concerns about your problems with sex. Your partner's sexual problems are your problems. If you don't listen and deal with any sexual dysfunction, you may find yourself with relationship problems. To listen to a Conversation That Matters with Stu McNish, here's the link: The Problems With Sex
Maureen McGrath hosts the Sunday Night Sex Show on News Talk 980 CKNW, is an avid blogger and an ardent feminist interested in equality. She shaves her legs, loves men and can take a joke. Her TEDx talk has had over 2.7 million views. She is in private practice in North Vancouver and author of the book: Sex & Health:Why One Can't Come Without The Other. She is Executive Director of the Women's Health Initiative Network. She loves Conversations That Matter About Sex.
]]>So after much discussion and frustration on both parts, they decided together that perhaps they should open up the relationship. They made an AGREEMENT. Cara and John agreed that he was free to seek sex outside of their marriage as long as he lived by a few rules:
John agreed as he noticed that with a lack of sex in their relationship, he was becoming irritable and lonely. He needed to have sex. This arrangement was seemingly working for them until Cara noticed a provocative picture that a woman sent to John on his phone and as John states, "Cara blew a gasket." This prompted them to get some help for their sexless marriage.
When I see patients in my clinical practice, I always cover some background information prior to getting to the problem:
In Cara’s case, she stated that she was experiencing some menopausal symptoms which she felt was what sent this whole venture to the dark side. Cara was experiencing night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings, irregular periods and vaginal dryness. She said the last time she had had sex with John it was so painful, she could not bear it. She had never told John this detail, which is not uncommon.
According to the Clarifying Vaginal Atrophy's Impact on Sex and Relationships (CLOSER) survey: emotional and physical impact of vaginal discomfort on North American postmenopausal women and their partners revealed:
John was shocked as his wife sat there sobbing. She felt she had ruined her marriage and could not believe she had agreed to an open relationship. She had deep regret. She had no idea that she would feel so badly knowing another woman wanted her man which can sometimes increase a woman's sexual desire.
Perhaps it was time to treat Cara’s vaginal dryness and menopausal symptoms with the use of a personal moisturizer such as RepaGyn, a hormone-free ovule that is inserted into the vagina once daily for 2-3 weeks, then every other day as maintenance or as directed by one's healthcare professional. It may also be time to end the “agreement” as it was clear this was not as easily handled by Cara, a woman whose moods were labile during her menopausal years.
This was a place to begin, I explained to both John and Cara. With a bit of help for her physical and emotional health, my work had only just begun to get John and Cara backtothebedroom .....with each other. Stay tuned.
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